woah, never believe i'd be back here to blog man. esp after... all that have happened, i realised im just a sucker for jealousy. and ur not exactly giving me a reason to anw. paranoia +some unknown crappy feeling la. just dunno how to say it. im feeling very very very lousy abt myself. being a guy but not able to control his own feelings. srsly, im a guy and this is what i do, whimper and wallow. what the fuck. im just being a big fucker man. & u've no idea how lousy i feel abt myself. i guess to some extent i can believe you le, that u would not flirt around anymore. yet, theres still that small part of me that feels otherwise. i noe i suck la.... no one will ever know how lousy i feel. how lousy that i get jealous so easily, how lousy that i cannot learn to control, that it shows everytime u talk abt them. lousy me. gd bye.

yesterday was 5 raffles kids stuck in a chinese drama serial.

firstly, we had to reach sch by 6 (as marvin loh the dictator ordered) to pull off this play which we finalized on 1.02 am. then after some insane impromptu lines. 5 of us went to j8 for some lunch.

and on the bus, 5 gangsters (which were actually smaller than us) came to seek trouble, in the form of chris fang who has to add extra weights while using the weight machines. then seeing how we didn't retaliate, they went on to punch chris, through an extremely crowded MRT station while shouting expletives without noticing the CCTV and about 100 people staring at them. and went on to provoke jin sei and got into a fight outside macs. (if only bishan gay was there -.-) and chris punched this guy while getting jin sei out. hahahahah. seeing how it was their turf and how Mrs Tan has instilled the fear of numbers in us, i wanted to get them off our backs so with CZ, we told them how uh sorry we were for chris giving the guy the half a concussion. and this guy promptly replied 'FUCK LAH I KENA PUNCH ALSO NEVER SAY SORRY.' HAHAHAHAHAH WTF MAN. ok so we camped in j8 while they made many phone calls, and we made one phone call to 999 (my first call to 999!) hahah so we left.

and after that i went onto 53 while the rest took 58 and got into yet another fight. so now i'm waiting for the police to call me. PARENT POWER. but they're damn slow. i didn't know police had 5 day work week too. or maybe they're all in church, like how they claimed they boarded 58 to go to pasir ris church, with weapons. and alighting about 20km away from it at serangoon. hahahahah.


and yay

'it'll probably help if we say everything that comes to our mind from now on or something, hahah'

well the good thing is at least now i noe i can trust you to tell me whatever happened, anytime anywhere, good or bad.

it was a great start, loved it, laughing and talking to you xD was so fun.... discussing obs and camwhoring (;

when u told me ___, i wasnt bz feeling sad, srsly. i was forcing myself to not feel sad, at least not in front of you as u rightly pointed out. i guess i care too much for you. ur eoys are in 3 days time, this is not the time to be sad, im certain of that even in my blank state of mind now. so yes, you wont see the sad side of me from now till the end of eoys, if i have to force myself to i will. but trust me, im equally as stressed and worried abt my eoys too. i'll mug hard and hopefully it'll distract me.

are promises really meant to be broken? i wonder how u were feeling when u noe he was going to mug with you.... i wonder what other parts of the promise have u broken and how much u have gone... was just starting to build up that trust in u, but i guess dejavu really came true.... you know i'll always be rdy to start trusting you again whatever happens. cuz i love you too much. i guess thats why i feel jealous. but i dunno why after so many times, so many failed attempts, i feel kinda numb now. the feelings still there, but either im resigning to fate, or i've given up. i dunno. you did not do anything wrong abt the bus trip. though i hope u did sth else (which of cuz you couldnt). i just hope you're rdy to answer my qns when the time comes, and my qns today. really really really really want this to work out, it has been really really happy the last 2 weeks, why let it slip back into the past? if you're sad to see me sad, why make me in the first place? i am able to do it, so can you too *snap*

hes not going on c&d night. is it really gd news? it'd be if u still have feelings for him. cuz if you don, whether he go or not, or whoever go or not, it wont matter to me at all. if u'd accept their flowers cuz they bother bringing it, i wont get jealous at all. i guess its all abt your feelings.

been listening to this song the whole way back. am still listening to it now. wonder how long more i'll listen to it b4 i switch to that song, so so so long ago... in late march where ___ & me were listening while playing dota on that fateful night. i wonder if it'll really _____

I gotta say what's in my mind
Something about us
doesn't seem right these days
life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try, somehow the plan
is always rearranged
It's so hard to say
But I've gotta do what's best for me
You'll be ok..
I've go to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own away
Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up
and I watch them fall everytime
Another colour turns to grey
and it's just too hard to watch it all
slowly fade away
I'm leaving today 'cause I've
gotta do what's best for me
you'll be ok..
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own away

only the bold words has meaning to me. the rest, bullshit for me. never will cross my mind. i want this to work out. 15oct. it'll be a day to rmb, make or break. i want to make it work

& i still love my baby <3